We here at Chrisco Spins are not only dedicated to intelligent debate among our own bloggers, but are absolutely committed to providing a public forum for those in society who seek an outlet for opinions classified as “gibberish” or “unintelligible” or “obviously written by TV ad people who were high at the time.”
In this installment of our occasional “Let’s Ask…” segment, celebrity guest blogger Hamburglar, noted McDonald’s hamburger thief, ’70s TV pitchman and prison fashion icon, answers a question from a select Chrisco Spins reader.
Dear Hamburglar,
My lying, cheating himbo of a so-called “husband” has abandoned me for another woman. In fact, he has left me for Madonna. The singer, not the Blessed Mother. But I wouldn’t put it past the man-whore to go after HER, too! This man WHO HAS NEVER WON A WORLD SERIES RING, I REMIND YOU is doing it with an old hag who is HERSELF married and has children and HAS NOT HAD A BIG RADIO HIT SINCE “LIKE A PRAYER” and she’s SO gonna need one when I rip out all her hair WHICH I AM SURE IS A BIG FAT FAKE WIG and, just so all you girls who think my lying, cheating himbo of a husband is so HOT or whatever, let me just say right here and now before God, my babies, the gossip writers at Page Six of the NY Post and this divorce court judge that I must now weep in front of while saying the Prayer For Alimony Mejor, that he may have a great batting average on the baseball field at Yankee Stadium and all that but in el dormitorio he can barely make it around third and when it comes to sliding into home the lying, cheating himbo is, like the No. 13 he wears on his pinstriped jersey, CURSED!
I am the one who can bench press 250 easy in a Victoria’s Secret bikini, not HER. Ay Dios Mio, why must I suffer so at the hands of a lying, cheating scumbag and his slutty OLD pointy-bra wearing PUTA?!!!! YOU MAY SING “LIKE A VIRGIN,” YOU CARA DE CONA, BUT OH YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT A VIRGIN!!!!!!!!! PUNTA POR FAVOR!!!!!!! YOU ARE MORE LIKE A PINCHE PUTA! DO YOU HEAR ME, AMERICA? AND HE IS A MAMAHUEVO WHO CANNOT HIT A CLUTCH HOMER WHEN IT IS MOST NEEDED AND I AM NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT BEISBOL!!!!!!!!!! OJALA QUE MUERAS, ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!! CAGO EN TU LECHE!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Hamburglar, you made a lot of money from those McDonald’s ads, right? I like a man in stripes, mi guapo, if you know what I mean. *wink* *wink*
Gracias and… are you single? - The Future FORMER Mrs. A-Rod
The Hamburglar replies…
Robble robble robble. Robble ROBBLE robble robble… ROBBLE! ROBBLE! Robble robble robble. Hee hee hee hee… Robble robble robble. Robble robble robble. Hee hee hee…
Join us for the next installment of “Let’s Ask…,” when former U.S. President and Playa In Chief William Jefferson “You can call me Bill, baby, just make sure you call me — but only when SHE’S not home” Clinton answers your questions about livin’ fast, lovin’ hard and proper cigar etiquette for gentlemen.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
The return of the mysterious “M”!!! This makes me happy.