Chrisco Spins

Responsible Weed Smokers

Chris — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:29:46 +0000

I love the title of this post. It flies in the face of most of the cultural norms I grew up with. For that matter, it flies in the face of the norms of most weed smokers I’ve known throughout my life. I know a lot of weedheads, burnouts, and dopeboys… but I’m not sure I’ve met someone I would call a “responsible weed smoker.” But that phrase is at the heart of a proposal floated today by Representative Barney Frank who apparently enjoys a quick puff, puff, pass as much as the next guy.

Frank’s proposed legislation would end federal penalties for people carrying less than 100 grams of marijuana. Since no none drug users (or none Canadians) know what 100 grams is, that’s a little less than a quarter-pound. Currently being caught with slightly less than a quarter-pound of weed would net you a felony possession with intent to distribute charge. Under Frank’s plan it would be treated like having an unopened bottle of wine in your car. A nod and maybe a quick recommendation to the officer on the variety that you favor. “Why yes officer, that is Mauwie Wauwie. It’s alright, but you really haven’t lived until you’ve tried Purple Haze.”

Representative Frank says that a little weed smoke is none of the government’s business. And as an openly gay lawmaker, he knows something of the government putting its nose into folks business. His supporters point out that the plan would essentially treat marijuana use like alcohol use. As long as you don’t overdue it, or try to drive, then you’ll remain on the right side of the law.

I don’t particularly have an opinion about his proposal. I don’t object to folks who smoke weed, but I also don’t object to folks who do object to it. The sentencing phase of the nation’s drug laws are absurd and greatly out of wack, but this legislation wouldn’t really impact that a great deal, no matter what Rep. Frank says.

However, I do have some pointed criticism for my favorite part of the program. It would legalize possession of what is a pretty good amount of weed. What it wouldn’t do is change any of the laws against growing, importing, exporting, or selling weed. So my question is… if we can’t grow it, import it, or sell it… then where exactly are all the people who will be carrying around quarter-pounds supposed to get them from?

Frank’s plan would permit the “nonprofit transfer” of up to an ounce, but unless Rep. Frank is much more intimately familiar with the drug trade than I am (and that would be unlikely), I think he is permitting something that has never once happened in the history of marijuana. “Here man, have some of my weed. No, no, keep your money. I’m a nonprofit dealer.” Not to mention, even the weed Frank envisions being nonprofitably transferred would have to have been either grown or imported which still remains illegal.

I think what Frank’s measure would do is decrease the distance between the real ruthless criminals who currently import marijuana by the AK-47 protected plane-load and the sorority girl who enjoys the occasional late-night joint. Right now, the marijuana in that sorority girls joint has to pass through a series of supply levels each less menacing than the last. By the time it gets to the Tri Delta house, the weed that started in the hands of a ruthless cartel boss with his own private army is delivered by Betty Blonde’s lab partner whose roommate knows a guy who sells dime bags out of his mom’s suburban town home.

Having known a few of the guys who traffic marijuana by the pounds, I can tell you one thing. Betty Blonde doesn’t want to meet them. By leaving the potential penalties for suppliers untouched, Rep. Frank’s proposal does nothing to reduce the unsavory and potentially deadly nature of the traffickers. By eliminating the penalties for possessing such a large amount of marijuana, it makes it that much more likely that customers will make their contacts a little higher in the supply chain to save substantial sums of money. After all, a quarter-pound all at once is much cheaper than buying its equivalent in a series of dime bag purchases. The economics of the situation mean more customers meeting the guys they really don’t ever need to meet.

I guess what I’m saying is that Barney Frank’s proposal needs a rethink, but not for any of the reasons you’ll hear in the evening news.

The Pity Vote

Chris — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 04:45:11 +0000

In case you were wondering why I was missing The Daily Show so much the other day.

I miss the Daily Show

Chris — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 03:03:21 +0000

Weekend late nights are long and unfunny. Just saying.

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McCain goes to Germany… sort of

Chris — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 01:35:14 +0000

So Barack Obama gave a rousing speech to hundreds of thousands of adoring Germans today. There was a lot of speculation that John McCain would try to take the focus off Obama’s amazing photo op by announcing a narrowing of his Vice Presidential options (thus forcing the media to spend plenty of time hashing out the remaining candidates), but the diabolical McCain campaign folks had a much better idea. While Obama went to Germany and stood in the historic footsteps of Kennedy and Reagan, McCain went to Schmidt’s Fudge Haus (get it? Haus?) in Columbus, Ohio. So Barack Obama got an entire 30 minute address carried live on every news network and McCain got… well, he got shown talking to reporters at the Fudge Haus where some sort of ringing bells rang loudly enough the entire time to drown him out. Point McCain I think?

Seriously, who’s managing this campaign? I don’t know if Obama is a dream candidate, but John McCain is quickly proving himself to be a dream opponent. I mean, come on!!! Who was responsible for this photo op? Your candidate standing in front of a sign for the f’ing Fudge Haus?!?!? The guys who managed President Bush’s campaigns would be committing seppuku from the shame of it. That’s ritual suicide in case you miss the reference and think I’m talking about Sudoku. Take a moment to read this NY Times article from 2003 that illustrates just how meticulously Bush’s image is managed. Read that, then ask yourself whether McCain’s Fudge Haus moment rises to the level.

McCain’s only reaction to Obama’s ridiculously presidential-looking appearance in Berlin was to say something about how he would love to go to Germany, but he would rather do it as president than as a mere candidate. But at the end of the day, isn’t the real reason he didn’t make an overseas speech to a screaming crowd of hundreds of thousands because he would be lucky to draw hundreds, much less thousands. I’m not saying the presidential election should be strictly a popularity contest, but at some point doesn’t the discrepancy in their receptions… everywhere… mean something?

The McCain campaign and the GOP in general likes to talk about the media’s obsession with Barack Obama. To a degree that is true because of the historic possibility that he will become the first black president. But to an even greater degree, the media gives Obama more coverage because he does more news-worthy things. He makes moving speeches that grab news viewers’ attention. McCain makes speeches as if he’s trying to cripple the ratings for any television network foolish enough to carry it live. Obama draws huge adoring crowds. McCain draws only the reporters who themselves proved unlucky enough not to draw the Obama assignment. And Obama stands at a historic location in Berlin. John McCain stands in front of the Fudge Haus sign.

You’re welcome Jon Stewart.

She’s got haters

Chris — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:15:49 +0000

Michelle Wie is going to play in another PGA tour event against the men. Apparently this upsets some people, including Beth Ann Balry who took it upon herself to bash the teenager for swerving out of her lane.

People do this with Wie and I don’t understand it at all. So what she’s never won an LPGA event? So what some girl named Paula Creamer is better than her? So what she gets mashed every time she tees up against the guys? None of that is any of our business. If some PGA event sponsor wants to hook her up with several hundreds of thousands of dollars to play three or four days of golf then why shouldn’t she take it? She never wins when she plays against the women either and they don’t even bother to pay her an appearance fee. So what gives?

Sportswriters in this country have an odd outlook on how athletes should behave. Athletes should do what’s best for their sport and for their game and for their fans. Why should they do that exactly? I work in television news. If I happen to be pumping gas outside a station and someone runs in and robs it, should I grab my cellphone camera and make sure my station gets the first video of the robbery? That would be the best thing for my network, for my viewers. If I chose instead to call 9-1-1 and chill across the street drinking a milkshake at Chik-fil-a while watching what goes down, should I be called out in the journalism press? Why should I be required to do anything other than what I feel is best for me and my family? Why should Michelle Wie?

Maybe she’s not out to build the LPGA into something that rivals the NBA or NFL. Maybe she couldn’t care less about breaking whatever career records currently stand in the LPGA. Maybe she just likes playing golf, happens to be pretty good at it, and can make a bajillion dollars without ever winning because she also happens to be a 6-foot-tall cutey. And at the end of the day, what’s wrong with that?

As the New York Times noted in the process of dogging her out, Michelle Wie has made upwards of $30 million playing golf and endorsing products, and not at all in that order. I’m sure she wants to be a really good professional golfer. After all, don’t we all want to be considered good at what we do? But does she have the drive to become the best golfer? Only she knows that. And you know what? It doesn’t matter if she does or doesn’t. We would all like to believe that everyone is driven to be the best, but that just happens not to be true. Some people want to do what it takes to make their money, take it easy, and enjoy their lives. And that’s just as valid as the other outlook. Michelle Wie may be the Anna Kournikova of golf, but Anna Kournikova is living a pretty good life off the proceeds she made being a first-rate cutey and a third-rate professional tennis player.

Why is it always folks who didn’t develop great talents who bash those who did for wasting them? If you’d worked as hard all your life as Michelle Wie to become a great golfer, then you would do it differently. Maybe you would and maybe you wouldn’t. At the end of the day, you didn’t work that hard and she did. So she gets the option of wasting her talent or not. It’s hers to waste. She earned it. Just like she earned those $30 million.

Color me puzzled

Chris — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:45:31 +0000

I have a question. Why is the billboard that you see to the left here alright to display along a public highway, but a plan by a Muslim group to display similar messages regarding Islam on the New York subway system is causing outrage? (Granted, it’s a New York Post article, but still) The outrage stems from the fact that one of the people involved in it has been tied to Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman otherwise known as “the blind sheik”.

But so what? Isn’t this exactly what we hope Islamic radicals will do? Put down your weapons, stop the death to America chants, and engage in the process? That’s the process of resolving every conflict, religious and otherwise all around the world. It happened successfully in Northern Ireland, where the IRA stopped bombing folks and took a stake in the political process. So now, instead of plotting to blow up the subway, this guy is plotting to advertise the benefits of his faith in the subway. I don’t know about you, but I’m much less scared of the second than of the first. It all sounds a bit like progress to me.

But back to the point, I understand someone at FOX News will trot out the old tired line that the United States is “a Christian nation.” Despite that being demonstrably untrue, for some reason people keep saying it. The United States was not founded as a Christian nation and has never that I am aware of changed that. This doesn’t mean that I am anti-Christianity. I am in fact… a CHRISTIAN!!! Although like a great majority of people of every faith, I am not a particularly observant member of my faith.

Even as a Christian, I don’t particularly love the Jesus billboards along the highways. Something about them seems like a cheapening of something that is supposed to be dear to people. For the same reason, I think the Islamic project with the New York subway system is equally base. Although at least in this case, the goal is more educational than evangelical. Judge for yourself, here’s a link to the project.

I guess what I’m saying is that if Christians are allowed to engage in the shameless marketing of God, then how can we rationally form our mouths to object when other religions follow suit and cheapen their beliefs in the same manner? What’s good for one has to be good for the other. In fact, that’s sort of the idea our country was founded around.

How to beat the high cost of living: Die.

M. — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:56:58 +0000

My place of current employment is in the process of laying off people. It’s a business decision because we’re not making enough profit the way we’re doing things right now and so a bunch of my co-workers have to go.

I’m not crazy. I don’t like this, since I’m also in the “You Are Eligible To Get The Hell Out Before We Throw You Out — IF We Throw You Out And Really You Won’t Know When It’s Gonna Happen - Ever - Like, Even If You Survive This Layoff Period” group, but I do understand the economics of the move. Capitalism isn’t pretty. It often isn’t fair. But it works a lot better than the rest of the economic systems the world’s great thinkers and societies have thought up so I’m in favor of it. I’m also in favor of ice cream three meals a day but I’m not in favor of ballooning up to the size where you have to be wedged out of your home with a crowbar. So yeah, I’m often torn between seeing the reality of things and wishing things were happy for everyone.

When we were all summoned to hear this news, my colleagues appeared stunned and had that “Whatever will I do? Where ever shall I go?” look. Thankfully, nobody slapped the back of their hand to their forehead and swooned outright. I mean, none of us had fans to bring them “to” so they’d have been out of luck. Plus we were all on deadline and really needed to get back to the work we still had until we were told to pack it in. But I thought to myself that, while we were hearing the harsh, harsh reality of it all, many people were acting as if The End Was Nigh.

Newsflash: It isn’t. You’ll just have to find another job.

Americans have been finding another job since… well, since before there were Americans. When Merrie Olde Mother England kicked out all the citizenry who weren’t down with the king, those folks hit the high seas for The New World. They had been fired from England and found new, rewarding work at America, the hip, funky, cool new country on the block. And they thrived. England pulled a Starbucks and tried to keep on expanding its franchise all over the world but they eventually ended up closing most of those stores. Even France copied America’s business model and started its own little boutique, “Libertie, Egalite, Fraternitie,” which has been pretty successful except when it was overtaken by German management for a short time.

When in America, prepare to work. And don’t get comfortable doing what you do because times change and with that shift comes an alteration in how many jobs are needed in which industries. This country’s expansion westward was a product of the “manifest destiny” idea and for my colleagues and me, our manifest destiny now is to be ready to expand our own horizons. That means you’ll either find work elsewhere to earn a living or, if that’s too tough and you can’t make ends meet, you could just kick off and never have to worry about paying that ginormous Visa bill.

Personally, I’m totally in favor of living and I hope my colleagues are too. Which is why we’d all better start looking into what, for most of us, will be at least our second career. My own manifest destiny appears to be “X-Ray Technician,” since it doesn’t involve many math skills and I am absolutely OK with that if it ever comes to pass. Perhaps the pursuit of happiness involves wearing scrubs to work each day and if that’s the case, I say Westward Ho.

Let’s Ask… The Hamburglar

M. — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:15:37 +0000

We here at Chrisco Spins are not only dedicated to intelligent debate among our own bloggers, but are absolutely committed to providing a public forum for those in society who seek an outlet for opinions classified as “gibberish” or “unintelligible” or “obviously written by TV ad people who were high at the time.”

In this installment of our occasional “Let’s Ask…” segment, celebrity guest blogger Hamburglar, noted McDonald’s hamburger thief, ’70s TV pitchman and prison fashion icon, answers a question from a select Chrisco Spins reader.

Dear Hamburglar,

My lying, cheating himbo of a so-called “husband” has abandoned me for another woman. In fact, he has left me for Madonna. The singer, not the Blessed Mother. But I wouldn’t put it past the man-whore to go after HER, too! This man WHO HAS NEVER WON A WORLD SERIES RING, I REMIND YOU is doing it with an old hag who is HERSELF married and has children and HAS NOT HAD A BIG RADIO HIT SINCE “LIKE A PRAYER” and she’s SO gonna need one when I rip out all her hair WHICH I AM SURE IS A BIG FAT FAKE WIG and, just so all you girls who think my lying, cheating himbo of a husband is so HOT or whatever, let me just say right here and now before God, my babies, the gossip writers at Page Six of the NY Post and this divorce court judge that I must now weep in front of while saying the Prayer For Alimony Mejor, that he may have a great batting average on the baseball field at Yankee Stadium and all that but in el dormitorio he can barely make it around third and when it comes to sliding into home the lying, cheating himbo is, like the No. 13 he wears on his pinstriped jersey, CURSED!

I am the one who can bench press 250 easy in a Victoria’s Secret bikini, not HER. Ay Dios Mio, why must I suffer so at the hands of a lying, cheating scumbag and his slutty OLD pointy-bra wearing PUTA?!!!! YOU MAY SING “LIKE A VIRGIN,” YOU CARA DE CONA, BUT OH YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT A VIRGIN!!!!!!!!! PUNTA POR FAVOR!!!!!!! YOU ARE MORE LIKE A PINCHE PUTA! DO YOU HEAR ME, AMERICA? AND HE IS A MAMAHUEVO WHO CANNOT HIT A CLUTCH HOMER WHEN IT IS MOST NEEDED AND I AM NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT BEISBOL!!!!!!!!!! OJALA QUE MUERAS, ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!! CAGO EN TU LECHE!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Hamburglar, you made a lot of money from those McDonald’s ads, right? I like a man in stripes, mi guapo, if you know what I mean. *wink* *wink*

Gracias and… are you single? - The Future FORMER Mrs. A-Rod

The Hamburglar replies…

Robble robble robble. Robble ROBBLE robble robble… ROBBLE! ROBBLE! Robble robble robble. Hee hee hee hee… Robble robble robble. Robble robble robble. Hee hee hee…

Join us for the next installment of “Let’s Ask…,” when former U.S. President and Playa In Chief William Jefferson “You can call me Bill, baby, just make sure you call me — but only when SHE’S not home” Clinton answers your questions about livin’ fast, lovin’ hard and proper cigar etiquette for gentlemen.